She slips from the bed quietly , as not to disturb him , tenderness shines in her eyes along with deep pain and yearning , to hide her other self becomes harder and harder to do. She crouches in the corner as he sleeps, and wraps her arms tightly about her trembling self , the tears fall silently as she sinks her nails into her own back and teeth into her knee the sobs want to come , but she mustn’t let them, her other self whimpers and struggles against the restraints that have bond her for to long.
Glimpses of her other self have broke through , and she knows by his reactions , he is not the one to weather that part of her , and the need grows to set her free .damn why must she feel so much , why can’t the side everyone sees be her only side? The darkness wants free , the beast needs fed and yet , will there ever be someone else that can accept and understand these needs again ??. She shivers , for she has a special love for he who sleeps in her bed so peacefully , but needs more than his strength can offer , and yet she wishes to hold on to him, but why? Is healing half of the need enough? She knows the answer and it hurts , love is love so many forms it has and yet , her other self screams in agony , the sound tears thru her head and soul .
She curls on the floor in the fetal position , as she has so many times before trying to comfort the whole of herself once again . The emotions swirl inside her ripping and tearing her apart once again. Numbness once again settles in , the rage must stay hidden, the need to deliver and receive that animalistic aggression ,pain ,and the release that comes with it has to be contained , but that need is always growing at some point it will break free in full force , and the repercussions terrify her .
He will not understand or withstand this part of her , this is a painful fact, why can’t she turn off feelings and just be reckless and wild , not caring? Because even with her two natures , everything she is is about feeling , therefore she is the damned , creature of pure love along with an animalistic lust , one whom needs both to survive and remain whole , with not much hope of finding again another like her , insanity will come soon as she starts shutting down and pushing away again . She gets up and silently crawls back into bed with him tears still running down her cheeks , loving as she does is going to destroy her this she knows but….she curls into him for that bit of comfort and softly kisses his shoulder wishing she could be his answer, knowing she’s not. The pain slices like a blade , yet she doesn’t want to let go . His warmth , smell and feel are never going to be enough sadly and she knows she is just a momentary comfort for him , a option , a buffer from loneliness but yet she cares deeply , too deeply not to be hurt , and this is why she builds walls ,everything will cause pain in the end . She snuggles right against him hoping someday he will find all that he needs , was she wrong letting him in? Knowing it would be fleeting? She thinks not and accepts the fresh ache of knowing this , and the letting go will come soon, and she knows she can’t close her heart , or build strong enough walls to keep others out , but will she ever find all that she needs? She rolls over and again wraps herself in that fetal ball of pain and hopeless . And prays to the gods and goddesses that the pain she feels is not in vain. She knows soon he will roll into her and realize she is once again in that place he can’t conceive ,and she knows he will gently unfold her into him and wrap himself about her to try and comfort her thru something he will never understand ,and she will accept this , and take what she can , to find a bit of peace for the moment as the beast struggles to break free . Utter loneliness will come again soon so she desperately clings to what she can , storing the pain in a special sweet place just for him , broken and shattered once again , she picks up the pieces and rearranges them again , she will hide again for awhile , and someone will again touch her soul , the fight will lose and the search will begin again with no real hope of finding all she needs , but if she can offer a touch of love to another broken soul she will this she knows and at her own cost for , gentle or beastly this is her nature to love and nurture the broken , even if it hurts .
“It offers me that small glimmer of peace even as it rips me apart . I am me no more no less , maybe someday all of me will be accepted , and set free. And my heart and mind are always asking , as the the song goes , is there anyone out there strong enough to be my man ? We may see someday , but my hope is low , my mind and heart can’t conceive that there may be one that will fight for and with me , and make me whole again .”
(c) 2013 Wolfskin Mary