I have always been an outcast. When you are different you are bullied, misunderstood, insulted. I never liked sports, gardening, cars, or talking sexually revolting talks with other men about women. My family kept me aside, the outcast, the weirdo. My own grandmother (on father’s side) encouraged my nieces and nephews to belittle me any chance they get, but it stopped mostly after I almost strangled my one nephew to death at age 11 when he insulted my mother to get a response.

My father never went to church in my teens, yet always took the belt to my back if I missed Sunday school, so I started to go to Church and Church activities to get away from his abuse. I was never given a choice to find my own little believe in something greater than I was. Because I was ‘religious’ I also became an outcast…

In the last year of high school, we moved to a new part of the city. Back then I convinced myself I was very religious and that I believed in Christ. Strangely there were rumours in my new neighbourhood that I was a Satanist and that disgusted me to no end because I never had a like for the whole Satanic dogma and ideology. I was yet again an outcast. During that time I joined a local church and me and a group of friends one day caught our preacher in the park fondling a woman’s breast who was clearly not his wife. That Sunday he spat lies from his pulpit, calling all of us that saw him Satan worshippers. He came off scot free because he was a minister and we were the neighbourhood weirdos (never mind the fact that most of us were devout Christians). Then and there I left Christianity and refused to believe in the Christian religion and even refused to believe in Satan. But I never stopped believing in a loving, giving divine being… I felt there must be a God out there.

I moved to another city and found Paganism. For the first time, I felt as if I found something to worship, The Goddess. Her unconditional love filled me. I was still an outcast because I did not believe like most people. I found a love for my neighbours, even if people did not accept me for what I believe I accepted them.

I have walked a long way. I have been nearly stoned to death, attacked in an elevator with knives, bullied, beaten, spit upon, you name it and it has been done to me because I am different. I do not hate those that did it to me.

My life is complete. I believe in love and hope. I pray for the sick and always have a willing ear for the weak. I still am an outcast. I am a Pagan Shaman, that likes to shift into a wolf consciousness, that loves to dance to Goth music, that is in a Goth band, that published three weird poetry books. I am me.

If you are an outcast because you are not understood, respect and love yourself. We are not all bad people and if anyone disagree, it is their problem. And accept and forgive those odd religious nuts and evil grandmothers out there, just as you were born this way, they were born into a cage of Ignorance… stay you, Stay Beautiful.

Shadow blessings,
your friend

(c) 2014 Allen Simpson

My eyes